'Yeah she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me'

Has always been my favorite Death Cab's song.

You can just leave me like this without saying anything. That's what everyone's been doing anyway. You're just another number to the list. 

Thanks because you actually made me feel something. I just wish i was better at telling people how i feel.

Took three today, i know i told myself to stop. I've been telling myself that for the past years but i can't seem to cease the crave. I always do good in the morning but i go real bad at night.

It's always two steps forward and three steps back for me.

'Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough'

Good song on a good day

Nasi Lemak Jatuh

Hi, so last night i drove myself back home and two packs of stale nasi lemak fell off from the passenger seat next to the driver's. I'm just gonna tell you how it happened.

So my friend got me five packs of nasi lemak, i'm not sure why she bought me five but i'm not much of a fan so i didn't eat any, but i did give three packs to the cleaner. And a chicken. Okay yeah, so i walked to my car it was pretty dark that time, around 10 pm. And i put my laptop bag, handbag and a plastic holding the two packs of stale nasi lemak on the front seat. Started my engine and started driving.

So yeah, i drove and i saw McDonald's and i thought a few bites of nuggets could be useful so i searched for parking and i couldn't find any. So i didn't get me nuggets. I continued driving home and Jesse McCartney's song was on the radio, i remembered singing this song a lot with a friend. Then i kinda got lost in a train of thoughts.  I didn't see this bastard who suddenly got into my lane and braked. So i went ape shit trying to stop my car but jeez i don't know my car won't stop quick so i swerved to the right. There wasn't any car so i didn't hit any but there was this motorcyclist who was going real fast but he dodged fast. I almost hit him, i was thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to hitting him, he was crazy scared. I was too. I coud've hit him, i swear. It was almost impossible not to hit him. And then there was this Robbie Williams' song about angels on the radio, and it reminded me of another friend. I thought about the people i used to be friends with trying to kill me and then i kinda hyperventilated a little. I could've killed someone that night. Oh yeah, back to the nasi lemak, they fell off from the chair, and my laptop and my handbag. I had to pick them up when i got home.

That was how the two stale nasi lemaks fell off from the chair.

You'll never be proud of me anyway, so i never bothered. I did try tho, "I'm so proud of you," you said. Only cause that's appropriate. You're big on acting appropriate aren't you? And you keep on saying i'm different, not in a good way.. Always asking me to change and be a little cheery so people won't talk about me. I tried. You never gave me credits for trying to fit in.

"Oh you like being alone, you're strange. No one's gonna like you,"

And yet you told me to be myself.

I'm gonna eat some muffins. I deserve some muffins.

There had been too many changes around here, the last thing i need is a change in my room. The only place i feel safe. So please please don't ask me to get rid of the papers or files or anything in here, i wanna leave them just as they are.

The stack of books, the pictures on the wall, my pens and pencils everywhere on the table. I want them there.
So maybe i can pretend nothing has changed over the year.

I've been blatantly atrocious. I've grown to be something i don't really like to be, and it took some time to remind me i sounded like something i'm not, well, at least something i'm not anymore. Although yes, blatant wouldn't be right because the only people who have seen me are the ones living in the same concrete box with me. Dragged into the same frenzy orchestrated by the self proclaimed altruistic being. It's absurd isn't it to convince ourselves what we are, putting thoughts we're uncertain of and go around telling people what we are. I thought i was ambiguous, but the hours i spent alone sipping hot tea and observing people made me realize how sheer everyone actually is. So transparent. Not judging, just observing. The way they talk, walk and eat their salads. You can tell what sort of a person they actually are. Some even put a lot of effort to try to appear enigmatic. How dumb.

And here i am trying to sound slightly smarter than any of them. How even more dumb.

'None of us really changes over time. We only become more fully what we are'

- Anne Rice, The Vampire Lestat

Old habits are hard to break, especially ones involving blades