literally

2012-02-13T15:48:00.002+08:00

You'll never be proud of me anyway, so i never bothered. I did try tho, "I'm so proud of you," you said. Only cause that's appropriate. You're big on acting appropriate aren't you? And you keep on saying i'm different, not in a good way.. Always asking me to change and be a little cheery so people won't talk about me. I tried. You never gave me credits for trying to fit in.

"Oh you like being alone, you're strange. No one's gonna like you,"

And yet you told me to be myself.

I'm gonna eat some muffins. I deserve some muffins.

2012-02-08T00:12:00.003+08:00

There had been too many changes around here, the last thing i need is a change in my room. The only place i feel safe. So please please don't ask me to get rid of the papers or files or anything in here, i wanna leave them just as they are.

The stack of books, the pictures on the wall, my pens and pencils everywhere on the table. I want them there.
So maybe i can pretend nothing has changed over the year.

2012-02-03T17:14:00.001+08:00

2012-02-02T11:58:00.001+08:00

I've been blatantly atrocious. I've grown to be something i don't really like to be, and it took some time to remind me i sounded like something i'm not, well, at least something i'm not anymore. Although yes, blatant wouldn't be right because the only people who have seen me are the ones living in the same concrete box with me. Dragged into the same frenzy orchestrated by the self proclaimed altruistic being. It's absurd isn't it to convince ourselves what we are, putting thoughts we're uncertain of and go around telling people what we are. I thought i was ambiguous, but the hours i spent alone sipping hot tea and observing people made me realize how sheer everyone actually is. So transparent. Not judging, just observing. The way they talk, walk and eat their salads. You can tell what sort of a person they actually are. Some even put a lot of effort to try to appear enigmatic. How dumb.

And here i am trying to sound slightly smarter than any of them. How even more dumb.

2012-01-28T00:43:00.001+08:00

'None of us really changes over time. We only become more fully what we are'

- Anne Rice, The Vampire Lestat

2012-01-28T00:37:00.001+08:00

Old habits are hard to break, especially ones involving blades

2012-01-27T12:06:00.003+08:00

Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need Don't take what you don't need

2012-01-24T20:26:00.002+08:00

I think i know where to go from here. But i have to slip again somewhere..

2012-01-20T19:12:00.001+08:00

I think i'm in love.

I've googled him numerous times, followed him on twitter and tumblr, watched his UStream a lot of times, googled him a few more times.

He makes me feel funny and nice.

This is so unhealthy. He doesn't even know i exist.
My fangirling days start now..

2012-01-20T01:52:00.000+08:00

Sleep has never been easy these days.

As much as i want to search for a hole to decamp for maybe an hour or two, i can't seem to get my mind off things. Sleep had always been my outlet, when things get hard i would sleep till i get tired of sleeping. But i'm in such a rancorous state that it's impossible to neglect even the smallest detail. It would be a lot easier if things aren't so vague. If everything comes with a manual, i wouldn't be as bewildered as i am right now.

2012-01-19T23:59:00.002+08:00

'But i didn't understand then. That i could hurt somebody so badly she would never recover. That a person can, just by living, damage another human being beyond repair'

- Haruki Murakami

2012-01-19T22:38:00.001+08:00

'I've never had a safe place to land, but now i feel like i do'

2012-01-19T12:44:00.002+08:00

Curl my hair, get a new job, repaint my car, get to college and hopefully the rumor about moving out of this house is true.

I'm gonna start with getting a new sketchbook to doodle on and get all my films developed.

2012-01-18T21:02:00.000+08:00

No one replaced anyone but we just learned to live without each other.

I'm not fixing things with anyone when they keep listing out all of my flaws. And thanks for feeling stupid for loving me, because i would never feel a slight regret after everything we went through. 5 years is not a short time but i guess 5 years were all we had. When you said you feel stupid for loving me, that was all it take to make me realize where i stand now.

My gigantic ego wouldn't make me come to you asking for forgiveness. Before SPM, during SPM and even after that. You don't have the feeblest clue how dejected i felt and how weak and insignificant i still feel whenever i think about you. But yeah, blame me, blame my ego. I know i made an effort, it may not seem much but how low could one sink after being rejected so many times? I will never stop feeling dismal every time i think about this. Never. And none of you know how much it took me to feel okay again and what i had to do to myself to get out of bed every morning. I'm so damaged.

Believe me, i gave a deep thought about this, a lot of times. And i've admitted my mistakes, and i've said sorry. But i'm not the one who blocked any of you on facebook or twitter because i thought we were better than that. We're not in high school anymore.

Hidayah and Fatiha, this will be the last time i will be talking about you guys. And this is me throwing a huge chunk of ego out to say i'm sorry. I take it wholly as my fault and i'm not proud of it. But sorry never seemed enough so i'm backing out because correct me if i'm wrong, you guys look a lot happier where you are now. Thank you for everything because it would never get any better than what we had. But i have to move on if we're not going anywhere. None of you have to reason out with me because i slipped somewhere and i couldn't fix it. Sorry.

2012-01-18T12:30:00.001+08:00

I've played scenes in my head, i've arranged words to say and i really thought things would finally turn out fine. But right now, i'm starting to second guess everything. If i knew better i would never sent you the text and i wish you never made the phone call.

Me and my wishful thinking.

I don't ever wanna have to do anything with you again- any of you. Because you were never really there to begin with.

And i'm really done this time. Really.

2012-01-02T00:53:00.001+08:00

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for making a mess out of the people i was close to. I'm sorry i let my ego get the best of me. I'm sorry for always leaving. I'm sorry for never being consistent in any relationship. I'm sorry for those crashes i got us into when you're in the car with me. I'm sorry if i ever seem insincere to you. I'm sorry for making you feel replaced or forgotten. I'm sorry for dragging you into my helpless clutter. I'm sorry i'm a mess i can't sort out. I'm sorry for being a little too emotionless and cold. I'm sorry we're not as close anymore.

I would go up to you guys and apologize, believe me- i would. But i don't think i deserve any more chances after screwing up so many times.

I'm sorry things happened. And i know it's pointless to feel dismal- it's too late for that anyway.
You guys are all kinds of nice. I hope you're happy wherever you are- all of you. Really.

Please think good of me every time i'm mentioned.

2011-12-30T12:47:00.004+08:00

Have a good year ahead everyone x

2011-12-29T21:16:00.001+08:00

My posts have been really depressing lately. I guess i'm a little misplaced right now, gonna get my head sorted out soon-- when i know where to start. I'm gonna spend the whole night watching movies- whatever i can get my hands on and start reading my new book. I just feel like i should get lost a little. I'm so unproductive these days, feeding on unhealthy junks- the only thing i am now is fatter.

And i keep getting strange dreams. Depressing ones too sometimes. I wake up bitter.
I hate people.

I'm just gonna play Modern Warfare 3.

2011-12-29T21:00:00.000+08:00

It's scary to think about how you're gonna get tired of me. I know you say you won't, that's what they said the last time too and they left. You will too, eventually.

I'm tired of myself.
I just hope you would stay longer than any of them did.

2011-12-27T23:22:00.001+08:00

Some days i exist simply to prove me wrong about myself.

2011-12-27T20:38:00.003+08:00

You looked at me and thought "I knew she would be like this, i know how she screwed up and how she will screw up again". And that's how you became other people who looked at me and thought the same.

You're just a story i'm never gonna tell.

You should know i'm more than a list of mistakes and you telling me otherwise.. well, let that be the last mistake you make.

2011-12-21T23:13:00.001+08:00

2011-12-17T22:50:00.003+08:00

I don't know how i became so indifferent. So blase about everything, the only things i'm concern about are making a list of what novels to buy and updating my playlist. I'm turning into an inattentive person- it takes a lot of me to actually care about something. Most of the time i'm just so.. distant. Remote and lost in my head. My head is the nicest place to be right now despite the series of clutter i make constantly, i don't know where to go. So emotionless. I've got a manifest of disarray waiting to be sorted but right now i just can't be bothered.

I know i should really give a fuck about something-- anything.

2011-12-14T23:37:00.004+08:00

It's not that i'm sad, i just feel rather.. warm. The kind of warm that takes you by your toes and brings it to your eyes, the feeling you get before a good cry. Eyes feel so heavy like you're gonna cry but you're not. And then i just feel a tad bit empty. The Smiths' songs would start playing in my head. And then i know i couldn't want anything more than this, and i would plead silently to god, hoping he would give me this time. But i know better. I know, i've been here far too many times. I've been telling myself how lucky i was the last time and things aren't gonna get any better than this. Constantly reminding myself to be grateful to even get a chance the last time.

I got lucky, i must've done something to get so lucky before. You know how nothing's gonna last? Well i guess that was how long my luck lasted. I just hope i still have the chance to be so fortunate again, even a small possibility is good enough.

But right now, i know better than to hope. Has always been that way, i just hope it doesn't stay that way-- or not, you know. I'm too startled to hope.. i'll just stay here and wait. Hope or no hope, i'm still gonna wait anyway.

2011-12-14T23:10:00.003+08:00

My days have been devoured by reading, i bring my book everywhere and my boss didn't seem to mind when i read at my workplace. I get all nervous whenever i see someone's coming up to me when i'm reading, not much of a fan of being anxious. I really like being alone now, only going to people whenever i feel lonely or a tad bit desolated. The people there understand. Been eying two books 1) Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Johnathan Safran Foer and 2) One Day by David Nicholls. But i couldn't find the original covers, hm.

The only thing i don't like about working is that i have to wear makeup, i don't mind but it's just that i'm not much of a person to powder her nose every 10 mins. Guess i've to get used to it. And i need new flats, the old ones reek. Hehe.

Gonna get some rest now, goodnight errbody!

2011-12-14T22:42:00.006+08:00

A few things i've realized today (or the past few days), not sure if they're all good, but yeah, i've realized 1) my eyes are getting a whole lot worse, i can't even see the traffic lights when i'm driving at night, reeeeeally need those glasses 2) Florence + The Machine's Shake It Out acoustic version sounds better than the original good one, which is really good too 3) Work has been less tiring now that i can sit and read whenever there's no customer, which was what i did the whole day today 4) Quitting my job on the 19th! 5) Have gotten a lot closer to zira, who apparently reminds me of nelly 6) I love my car. Really really love that old car 7) Gotten too used to my Blackberry that i forgot where the exclamation point(!) is on the keyboard hehe 8) Been downloading albums illegally(whoops) a lot 9) Most people don't find my jokes about my death funny

I guess that's it. I'm better than i have been for the past couple of months tho i do need some catching up to do with them friends. I think i might skip a day to hangout with haris and the rest.. it has been a while. And it's syukran's birthday tomorrow yay!

2011-12-10T00:38:00.001+08:00

2011-12-09T23:52:00.002+08:00

Remember that vacation i constantly said i needed? Well i'm getting it tomorrow.

To bury my toes in the warm sand and just look at the beach.. how enthusing!
Gonna start packing now. Goodnight everyone, have a good weekend x

2011-12-09T23:45:00.002+08:00

The thing about having no expectation is that ecstatic feeling you get when something good happens.

2011-12-09T23:12:00.002+08:00

3 years didn't seem so long just now. And all it took was a look, a figure standing in front of me to bring back a flood of everything into my head. To inject a feeling- an old one i never thought i would meet again. But i did. And i never really liked myself for that- for never really putting an end to things, especially with myself. For being too sure i could move whenever i want to, believing i had a choice, when i really had no control of things. Everything was so distinct just now, the 'oh my god'(s) i said, the violent shaking when i was sitting down, the stillness of everything when you talked and the post conversation feeling. It's been so long-- too long. I was doing so good, blocking things from my head till today. I must have opened the stitches, replayed the images too many times in my head and now i'm back to square one. For the umpteenth time. I don't know how to move, i don't want to. The idea of having you in my head is just so.. comforting. My head seems like a better place than it was right now.

It doesn't feel right to be so elated about this, to have a celebration in my mind. I've seen the line and limit and today was the closest i could get and i know how blessed i am, i know God has a better plan for me.

Writing is my only outlet but i've never really knew how to write about you, you're such an amazing person. Amazing- i guess that's what you are.

'It has a nice ring when you laugh'

2011-12-09T23:08:00.002+08:00

So there's this really cute guy working in front of my workplace.

He's cute.

Really cute.

2011-12-08T23:43:00.001+08:00

The Antlers & Neon Indian - Rolled Together from Adam Hall on Vimeo.

Too tired to type so i'm just gonna leave a video of a good good song here. Goodnight everyone! Have a great friday tomorrow.

2011-12-08T23:38:00.002+08:00

Black Keys' latest album sounds good!

I'm so busy i hardly have any time for myself now. Oh well.

2011-12-08T23:30:00.003+08:00

Source: Tumblr

I hope everyone's doing good.

You, especially.

2011-12-04T01:09:00.003+08:00

It felt wrong to miss you when i'm with her. But i still do. I thought of all the things we could do and how sometimes i wished she was you instead. That isn't very nice. When i hear my phone rings, i've always wanted it to be you- to maybe fill the holes and patch things up where we left them.

And right now, i really don't know if things have turned better or worse.

I'm not sure how i want things to be.

2011-11-30T00:32:00.000+08:00

First day of work starts tomorrow! Hope everything goes well x

2011-11-29T17:13:00.002+08:00

Got a phone call earlier yesterday from Haney, she got me a job! Yay. It's gonna be tiring and shit but i have to get my mind off things. So having a job will keep me busy and the best part is i'll be working with Haney.This ought to be exciting.

Not to mention the pay is good, hehe.

2011-11-27T00:15:00.004+08:00

Sounds; cats fighting at the back, A Thousand Years playing on repeat, the sound of me typing and a really soft buzzing noise my head makes when no one's around

The legless birds i drew in my sketchbook look a little less messy- maybe it's my head messing with me. I get these mini heart attacks when my head starts combing images of the past days, or months, years perhaps? I don't know, i don't remember. My mind moves too fast sometimes, going backwards and starts remembering everything there is to be remembered and suddenly moving forward projecting pictures of how i'm going to look like for the next three years- how long my hair would be and what i would be doing this time next year. Doesn't matter, i've always lived in the present and leaving the future to.. well, the future.

But right now, i feel aroused to do good things Future Me would look back and smile for a change. But too bad it's 12.32 am so i'm just gonna watch Don't Be Afraid of The Dark.

2011-11-26T23:59:00.003+08:00

3 more subjects. 5 more papers. 3 days left to be in school. 3 days left to talk to some people i'll never see again. 3 days-- just 3 days left to see them walk around in school.

And then things will be different.

I know i've lost a couple of friends along the way, but i'm trying all i can to keep whoever i have now. Because being left isn't the most wonderful feeling. I see where i went wrong, i've been rehearsing dialogues in my head if i could ever make things okay. Though i doubt it. I've been telling myself that things aren't going to change, that it'll stay this way. I guess it's fine. Hasn't it always been fine?

2011-11-26T23:49:00.004+08:00

Watched Breaking Dawn last night. It's so good, i've always secretly love the Twilight Saga- not so secret now. Hehe.

I remember how much i loved the book when Papa bought me a copy. And then it got overrated..
It's just the warm feeling kind of good.

ps: 10 points for lutfi's nose. Haha.

This song's so gooood!

'I have died everyday waiting for you'

2011-11-24T19:19:00.002+08:00

And if i could have anything right now, i would still ask for the same thing i wanted two years ago.

No i haven't moved an inch from where i started. I don't think i ever want to.

2011-11-22T23:39:00.003+08:00

My thumb feels disgusting.

Spent the whole day killing virtual terrorists and doing add maths. Battlefield 3 is just so so good. Tomorrow is add maths, really hope i can do good. I wanna go to the beach. So bad.

Can't really think straight right now. Goodnight.

2011-11-22T11:22:00.003+08:00

Even if you didn't mean what you said yesterday, it's just nice to know at least someone doesn't plan to leave me. It's good enough.

No scratch that, good doesn't even come close to you.

2011-11-21T13:44:00.004+08:00

Well i was definitely dumb enough to think people would try to understand me. And going to them, really, niky? Of course the only thing you get from them is how you screwed up. I'm such a mess right now. And it's about time i tell myself that people only see what they choose to see, regardless of how you explained it. So i might as well keep everything to myself- isn't that the way it should be?

I should have kept quiet last Sunday.

Of course, i was wrong.

Might as well tell me how big of a mistake i was.

I thought i could contain it at least till after the big exam.. guess not. I tried fixing things, maybe i didn't do it right or maybe what i did was just too much and 'sorry' couldn't make it up. But i'm just so tired. And i'm not sure what to feel. I'm so numb.

The only thing i wanna do is right now is stay under my blankets and sleep. Cause being awake is just so exhausting.

2011-11-18T18:31:00.006+08:00

Went out with haney today the whole day! Watched In Time, pretty cool movie. Not much of a Justin Timberlake fan but his body was real hot. Hehe. Sunway Pyramid looks christmassy with all the lights and snow!

Well it was really fun until my car keys decided not to be in my bag. We went crazy looking for it, we got everyone looking for it. But we asked the guard and apparently i left it hanging by the car's door. Or at least that's what we think, i might have dropped it somewhere around my car too. I don't know but it was so scary. Told hazeim and he wanted to come and help but he was having classes so i didn't wanna trouble him. But it was so nice of him.

And apparently haney kept something from me! Which was mean. Haha, but i made her told me anyway. Really happy for her. It's so easy being with her, really.

Anyway, no more last minute plans. But i'm terrible at planning so i'm leaving it all to her, heh. We were thinking of Sunway Lagoon after SPM, with the guys of course!

I kinda wished haris could come but it's Friday and he had Friday prayers so guess not. But whatever, i'm gonna make him watch Breaking Dawn with me yay.

Alright, gonna read some agama!

2011-11-18T00:25:00.002+08:00

It's not that i remember things, i just don't forget them.

2011-11-15T00:08:00.004+08:00

'The saddest people i've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them any happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last'

- Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

2011-11-14T23:57:00.006+08:00

I'd rather be broken than afraid

But i'm not doing it right, am i?

Still so scared of everything.

'She laughs at my dreams

But i dream about her laughter'

ps: no, i don't listen to click five

2011-11-14T23:14:00.006+08:00

I don't listen to covers but Yuna's cover of Come As You Are is real good- so haunting. Anyway, i'm done with my BM papers, got a lil emotional when i was writing my essay cause i wanted my last essay to be really special. But i guess it's just like all my other essays.

So no more long ass essays after this! Woohoo! It's pretty sad to think about all those essays i could compose in my head, those unwritten essays. Hm. Oh and seni paper 1 turned out to be a whole lot better than expected. Hopefully those three days of cramming everything inside my head pays off.

Anyway, guess what paper i'm sitting for tomorrow!

Not tasawwur! Hehe, so english is tomorrow. Gonna ask haris to explain literature to me tomorrow and i'll read the dictionary while driving. Right now, i'm gonna read some history.

Oh, i drove to Curve alone yesterday. Thought of catching a movie but all shows were after 6, can't cause i had to go home and study so i had waffles instead.

I really love doing stuff alone. I like hanging out with people too but being by myself is a whole lot comfortable than being with anyone.

And i can't wait for family vacays after SPM!

Goodnight! x

2011-11-12T18:10:00.002+08:00

So i don't have to say you were the one that got away

2011-11-11T18:40:00.003+08:00

I'm here, i'll always be here. I know i said i would leave but you know what, i'm staying and if you ever find a reason to come here and talk to me again, i'm gonna stay right here and i'm gonna find the time no matter how busy i may be.

Because we don't just throw 5 years down the drain like that- that's a reason good enough to make me stay. I miss you. So so much.

I love you guys, how could i not?

2011-11-11T18:27:00.001+08:00

2 days to SPM.

2011-11-11T18:12:00.006+08:00

"Don't forget to give me your number, you tanak jumpa i ke after school"

"Nik, we still have almost a month taking our SPM, we'll see each other"

"Yeah but what if i'm in some kind of an accident later, hahaha"

.. And then she got all crazy scared.

.. And then i banged a teacher's car while backing up from the parking lot.

Maybe i should watch what i say, but right now..

O Allah, i beseech You for for sustenance- abundant, good and lawful- from the sustenance You own.

Kurniakanlah aku ingatan yang kuat pada hari aku menjawab ujian SPM dan berikanlah aku kemudahan untuk menjawab. Berkatilah usaha aku dan mudah-mudahan aku mendapat keputusan yang cemerlang. Amin.

InsyaAllah, i'll do good.

2011-11-09T20:21:00.004+08:00

So i got the most disappointing phone call from her earlier this evening, i guess they don't need me anymore.

Had lunch with Haney, Haris and Harith, took a stroll around the neighborhood with Harith and currently chatting with Haney.

Hazeim dropped me waffles all the way from subang which was awfully nice of him, considering i've been really annoying telling everyone i want waffles. So yay waffles for dinner! Felt sorry for him cause he had to see me looking all disgusting and messy in my jammies and wet hair, oh well. He's coming over tomorrow to.. i don't know, watch me study? Haha, i'm gonna ask him to teach me physics or something.

I think i have all i need right now.

Back to physics and seni.

2011-11-09T15:10:00.004+08:00

Hi! The guy behind me looks constipated.

5 days to SPM.

2011-11-04T20:15:00.003+08:00

Come around, really?

You're fucking stupid if you think i'll even consider coming around.

I tried, so don't say i didn't make any effort.

2011-10-19T22:42:00.004+08:00

Hi papa,

if by any chance you're reading this, well i just wanted to let you know that i love you. I've always wanted to tell you why but i'm not really good at talking- especially when it comes to exposing myself. So i'll type instead.

Pa, you know how i'm clueless about what i wanna be in the future? Well i kinda figured it out, it's not a career but i wanna be just like you when i grow up. I could list why but i would rather keep it to myself. You know pa, whenever i listen to you talk about you know, those stuff we always talk, i just feel all warm inside- that feeling you get when you sleep in your own bed after being away for too long, well yeah, that's how i feel. Sometimes i feel like you're the only person who understands me without having me talk about my problems. You make everything a lot less harder than it really is.

I know i may have abused the privileges given, especially the car, and going out without telling you- whatnots. It's disappointing sometimes to think about what i did. Really, pa, i don't know how you do it. But papa, i just want you to know, that whenever i intend to do something that's not right, the first thing that comes to my mind would be you. You were the reason i stopped doing what i did the last time. I have this miniature you in my head wearing your usual jeans and frayed gray shirt walking around, asking me what i'm doing is right and if i'm doing what i want. You're like my Jiminy Cricket.

Losing you, pa, is the most terrifying thing that could happen. I'm so scared of even thinking about it. I guess that's why i never really allow myself to be too close to anyone. You know how i always say i don't need anyone, well you're excluded.

I love you.

2011-10-17T00:43:00.003+08:00

Well, now i know not to tell anyone anything. Ironic how everything works.

I know i stopped swearing, but really guys, nice job fucking things over. I can honestly say i didn't see this coming and i really, really can't wait to get out of here.

Not that i'm mad at anyone, i'm not mad at myself either. Just shocked, maybe. Should've expected this. Anyway, i'm just gonna clear things up, pretty sure i made half of the mess if not more. So yeah, and then i'll get the fuck out of here and act like everything's okay. Cause that's what we've been doing the whole time, yes? Well that's not very mature.

Thanks for giving me all the reasons i need to not let myself be close to anyone again. Could really use that in the future. Whoop de fucking doo.

2011-10-16T01:43:00.006+08:00

You know how it's easy to make some things out of nothing, but it's a lot harder turning that something back to nothing when it ends.

Yeah, well that's what i'm really terrified of-- not being able to turn that something back to nothing. Scared i might just cling on to some things for too long, that i can't let go of the grip.

I shouldn't be scared. I really shouldn't.

2011-10-16T01:05:00.010+08:00

Today turned out to be better than expected. Got myself a new book, wanted to get Something Borrowed because i wanted to let Syukran read after i finish. But it's out of stock. So i got Trainspotting instead! Hehe. I'm always happy to read anything related to drug abuse.

On another note, i missed Liverpool and Man U's match tonight. Got loads of texts updating me about the scores and that includes dissing my team. They must really think they're hilarious, pft. Other than that, all's good.

Too bad i didn't do much studying. And that SPM is less than a month, halcyon doesn't really come easy when you're awake at 3 in the morning thinking about everything at the same time, but i'll manage. Oh and the meds i got from the doctor's worked, yay. I don't feel too sick anymore and my nails don't go black and blue all the time!

I wish it was raining right now..

Gonna read some physics and sleep now, goodnight!

2011-10-15T10:25:00.003+08:00

Maybe i've said something i shouldn't have the other day. And right now, it may be a lil too late to say i didn't mean anything, i was scared so i had to say something dumb to coat everything- even if it's something i don't mean.

I just feel like a disappointment to myself. Sigh.

Buat add maths je lah.

2011-10-14T19:51:00.002+08:00

All you have to do is ask. Simple as that, but really, you're making things difficult for yourself.

2011-10-14T19:17:00.003+08:00

I don't like how i look like a 12 year old sometimes.

And this snail kinda looks like haris..

2011-10-13T17:03:00.006+08:00

Omg omg omg omg malunya omg omgggggggggggggggg. I'm so dumb. Why do i always have to embarrass myself. Babi. I'm gonna go bury myself or something, malunya ugh. Tanaaaaaaaak laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah bodohnya aku niiiiiiiiiiiiii. It's not even funny *awkward laugh*

Lololol babi.

2011-10-12T19:01:00.005+08:00

Her green plastic watering can For a fake chinese rubber plant In the fake plastic earth That she bought from a rubber man In a town full of rubber plans To get rid of itself It wears her out It wears her out It wears her out It wears her out She lives with a broken man A cracked polystyrene man Who just crumbles and burns He used to do surgeries For girls in the eighties But gravity always win It wears him out It wears him out It wears him out It wears him out She looks like the real thing She tastes like the real thing My fake plastic love But i can't help the feeling I could blow through the ceiling If i just turn and run It wears me out It wears me out It wears me out It wears me out And if i could be who you wanted If i could be who you wanted All the time

Fake Plastic Trees- Radiohead

2011-10-12T17:05:00.003+08:00

Another case of overflowing thoughts, i can't seem to stop writing.
Nevertheless, i feel so so good right now.

And so it begins..

2011-10-12T16:05:00.007+08:00

A different persona. With different cravings, altered favorite song and maybe to appear distinct to society's eyes instead of ensconcing under patched up blankets. Going in a different direction or maybe even having goals instead of constantly making long lists of 'should be's'. Looking back and actually feel a twinge and be agitated to replay pictures of the past years- instead of curbing emotions to not feel anything. Waking up to feel cosmically amazed with the little things. Invite vulnerability and susceptibility into my short drafts of emotions. Take away those white picket fences i installed. Remind self that being defenseless is prevalent- and inevitable. And it's okay to be bothered by the little things sometimes. Make myself lots of maps, and get lost. Speak in different languages. Go to places i've never been. Curl my hair and paint my car a different color. Dress myself in fuzzy sweaters. Read lots of books and take pictures. Write something different than my usual mind- inflaming words in my journal. Eat a lot of waffles until i get sick of it. Eat waffles again even if i'm sick of it. Camp by the beach and eat nothing but waffles. Don't overthink things. Ride a different roller coaster.

Soon.

But for now, chemistry.

2011-10-12T15:34:00.003+08:00

Always caught up in making a choice between what's easy and what's right..

2011-10-12T15:12:00.006+08:00

Things are going well this week. Despite my trials results, but lets just leave that part. Not that i've been doing much studying. Pretty sure i could do better for SPM. Hopefully, mhm yeah. Anyway, SPM's in a month or so and i'm not sure if i want to get it over with quick. I haven't thought about what i wanna do after SPM, everyone seemed to know what they're gonna be.

And there are just so many things i should be.. it's hard.

But um, i may not know what i wanna do in the future but i know what i don't wanna be. I guess that's good enough for now.

But right now, the last thing i wanna do is cloud my mind with thoughts irrelevant to SPM.

All i know is i want my parents to be happy and start over after i'm done with high school. I know it may sound narcissistic but i hate missing anyone or anything. I hate that melancholy feeling. I wanna get away from everything i have now. Possibly get far away from here. Just i don't know-- if there were an exit door to get the hell away from everyone, i know i would be the first one to use it. To close everything that's happened for the past five years.

Befriend new people, listen to good music and make my parents happy. I just wanna start over.

Not that my friends are terrible, god no, they're wonderful. It's just me, i can never stay at the same place for a long time. Cause if i do, i start missing them and start reminiscing. And be an idiot because i know i'm better off alone.

So i do what i always do, i leave.

2011-10-12T14:51:00.004+08:00

Things are so much easier when you're certain about something. Something-- anything you weren't sure about before. Having directions, and knowing what to do. It makes everything seem kinda easy, and that you were making a huge ass fuss about everything before. I know i did.

Not being on the line of still waiting and letting go.

2011-10-07T01:42:00.001+08:00

It's almost 2 am.. i want tacos.

2011-10-07T01:25:00.002+08:00

'I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved
In secret, between the shadow and the soul

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers
Thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride
So i love you because i know no other way

than this: where i do not exist, nor you
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand
So close that your eyes close as i fall asleep'

Sonnet XVII, Pablo Neruda

Always will be my favorite poem.

2011-10-07T01:07:00.001+08:00

Self reminder:

You cannot lose something you never had

2011-10-06T23:55:00.002+08:00

As far as i can remember, late night dialogues in my head have never ameliorate me. Instead i dragged in an abundance of exasperated emotions only to leave me feeling so confused in the morning. And yet i do that every night. I guess it became a routine and they got big enough to construct someone so bereaved and bitter. I'm a contradiction. Things would get so much easier if i could be what i tell people i am.

But sometimes, i can't help this paltry feeling. So contemptible- insignificant. A minority..

So i focus on the little things, like a handful of round pebbles or a good quote i maybe have stumbled upon. You know, those things. They don't make things seem so bad. I especially love the smell of rain.

I'm bitter but i'm easily amused. And i think that's a good thing, regardless of how i'm feeling everyday. I tell myself it's a phase, every morning. And how much i would miss the smell of rain if i don't get out of my sheets. I think Stolen by Dashboard Confessionals is the sweetest song. Oh my god, you know what i could do! I could make me a list of what i like, so whenever i'm feeling desolated i could just read it and.. yeah i should just get to it.

List of things that make me happy:

1. Smell of rain
2. Waffles
3. Someone to eat waffles with
4. Good books
5. Quotes
6. Jack White
7. Good songs
8. Blowing bubbles
9. Making lists
10. Pictures of deers
11. Not wearing pants
12. Touching something velvet

That should be enough. I already feel good.
Goodnight.

2011-10-06T23:45:00.004+08:00

Who would've thought that running around the field, blowing bubbles, a cup of froyo and getting yourself covered with snow spray could make everything a whole lot better.

And all i needed was my brother. He even bought me a fake mustache, i've always wanted to grow one, too bad i can't- fake mustaches are good enough.

Studying got a whole lot easier after that. But my thoughts tend to roam around looking for adverse subjects to be flooded in my head. And i know it's really stupid to listen to A Fine Frenzy when you're not feeling too good, but.. it has been a while.

'Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure'

2011-10-05T13:58:00.001+08:00

Oh my god, finallyyyyyyyy! Florence looks gorgeous. Current favorite song.

2011-10-05T09:47:00.005+08:00

Maybe all i need is a break from things, a little change in my routine and surround myself with different people. Maybe this won't be as long as last time.

But really, it's hard to tell when you can hardly make yourself get out of bed in the morning.

2011-10-04T23:30:00.004+08:00

I'm not one to dwell in the past thinking what would happen if i could do things differently. But tonight, just this one night, let me be weak and feel everything i've pushed aside for so long. It's gonna happen anyway.

I'm weak. Weak as fuck.

2011-10-04T23:14:00.006+08:00

If it doesn't matter, why does it hurt so much. If i don't care, i wouldn't let it get to me.

Right?

Fuck yes, i'm done with everything. I'm so fucking done with feeling things. I'm guarded with a reason. I'm cold and bitter and guarded. I told myself i won't let this happen again. Well look at where i am now. I'm done. Just this time, i won't let it break me. I'm better than this. I'm so much better than this.

I'm not mad at anyone but i know i'm really angry at myself for letting this get to me again. Really, niky, really? Who would be dumb enough to go through what happened the last time? God, i'm so dumb. Pathetic- fucking pathetic.

It hurts. Goddamn it hurts.

How can i be so stupid..

2011-09-30T00:29:00.003+08:00

I don't make promises, i make lists and crooked boxes at the side to be ticked when i'm done.

2011-09-29T23:07:00.003+08:00

Slackened pace, blurry sight, muddied words fumbling out.

The sky looks almost like it's made out of velvet. A dark velvety blue, so soft- too soft, that if you stare at it long enough, you could fall asleep with your eyes open. The clouds, blanket the sky- wrapped it like an enormous Christmas present. When you blink, it could seem to be too surreal for the eyes. Painting-like and the elegance represented pictorially in the dim light the moon shines.

I'll make a list of things i wanna do with you right now;

1. Lay in our sleeping bags and look for wishing stars

2. Don't wish on a wishing star if we see one, because all we need is right here, right now

3. Roast marshmallows- lots and lots of marshmallows

4. Recite lines from our favorite songs

5. I can make a mug of hot choc for you, if you like that, it's instant but it's the best i can do

6. Don't think about tomorrow

The night is too good to be wasted typing words but here i am, trying not to wallow in self pity.

I'm not gonna sleep, nights like these shouldn't be spent on being unconscious, i'll drink cups of iced water and look at the good side of things. It's always darkest before the dawn.

Optimist 101

2011-09-28T14:17:00.004+08:00

'Sometimes life doesn't give you something you want, not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve something more'

I doubt that, but i'm really trying to make myself feel better.

2011-09-28T14:03:00.005+08:00

Trying your best, but never coming close to doing it right. So much things going the wrong way in a day that you really can't feel anything. Not being enough- never being enough. Thought you were fine, but it turned out you're still sick. Not getting what you asked for even after praying and hoping. Sleepless nights trying to get at least one thing right, but nope, nothing right here. Being at your lowest point.

And to You i turn to and pray, because i did what i could and it doesn't seem to be enough. But God, You know better, so here i am asking You after those nights i begged before going to sleep to please please please, give me the strength to surface this if i can't get what i asked for.

It took a while to realize that being mad at myself is pointless so is being mad at You. Because if You really wanna give me what i asked for, you would. I know i'm blessed.

After all, everything happens for a reason.

2011-09-13T00:05:00.005+08:00

So i looked at your pictures and thought i could never make myself move even an inch, and i would never get any closer to you than right now. I got to the point where everything is alright, getting what i want is good but not getting any is okay, too.

And right now, all i have is just the computer screen, your pictures and me.

Which is good enough,

which has always been good enough.

2011-08-24T15:44:00.004+08:00

I'm just so sorry- so so sorry. I wish i could write more but i just.. i can't. I'm sorry.

'Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again'

- Homer, The Iliad

2011-08-19T22:33:00.004+08:00

She took out a piece of white paper and her favorite black pen. Started writing words too fast before she could say each syllable in her head. Her perfectly coiffed hair arranged to frame her face so well, fell on her shoulders as if peeking to see what's the fuss on the paper about. Every night she writes on a piece of paper but regardless of how many chapters she fabricate, it doesn't change the scene cause she's just a prologue.

2011-08-18T22:09:00.003+08:00

"If you love your parents, you have to start taking care of yourself"

"I can't, even if i want to. I just can't"

I really don't give a fuck about myself.

2011-08-14T00:23:00.001+08:00

'And here, next to you, i am small'

2011-08-10T21:10:00.001+08:00

2011-08-10T20:01:00.006+08:00

Something in me-- i'm not quite sure what, has bundled up and quite possibly has morphed into a habit. I feel needy. It's troubling that i lapse into feeling that way again after hours of refraining myself, mentally installing rows of white picket fence just so i don't feel vulnerable. Feeling attached perhaps is the ugliest feeling i've ever felt in my dusty array of emotions. It's obsolete, i don't need to get myself in this mess only to feel perplexed after. Just that usually i would run away and remind myself how insignificant everything really is- purge what i'm not supposed to feel. Rationalize everything.

But not this time.

Knowing it's inevitable doesn't mean i can't try to cease it but i think i'm growing fonder of this attachment- god knows how disgusting this feels. Disdainful, to say the least. I hate needing anyone. I hate this. I'm mad, really mad. For allowing myself to feel this way.

Too bad i'm too absurd to not do anything about it. Even if i can- well, no plans are made but i might just go away when it gets too bad.

But for now, add maths and Regina Spektor on replay.

2011-08-10T15:00:00.004+08:00

But today is a shipshape day. I feel exceptionally good. A day devoted to sleeping in. It's nice to have days like these.

Recherche.

2011-08-10T14:44:00.003+08:00

“I’m so afraid of losing something I love, that I refuse to love anything”

- Jonathon Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Found the answer to the profound questions i ask myself on morbid days. I'm less of a sphinx to myself, i feel like whenever someone ask me what's encumbering me, i could just cite the quote and make myself seem less oppressing. The usual 'I'm just tired' is getting a tad bit old, no?

2011-08-09T20:58:00.001+08:00

2011-08-08T22:58:00.003+08:00

Sometimes i feel like a walking paradox.

And in some ways, i can't explain, i actually like it.

2011-08-08T22:43:00.008+08:00

"Sometimes, I feel like I'm not solid. I'm hollow; there's nothing behind my eyes. I'm a negative of a person. It is as if I never thought anything, never wrote anything, never felt anything. All I want is blackness. Blackness and silence"

- Sylvia Plath

I hope everyone's doing alright.

2011-08-08T20:53:00.000+08:00

"Sometimes I can't believe it, I'm moving past the feeling"

2011-08-04T20:49:00.005+08:00

“Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it matters.”

- John Green

I woke up one morning knowing what i want to do, all these years of indifference and confusion, even the contemplation about wanting to go through another day.. i finally know what i wanna do with my life. I'm seventeen and it's still too soon to say, but it's really pleasant to know what i wanna do, having a direction instead of just being here-- existing. I'm very much aware about what i want seems pretty unrealistic, but i've never been so determined to do something. I wanna do something right, finally.

2011-07-21T19:56:00.003+08:00

Maybe-- maybe it's real. Maybe i do. I've never met someone who could actually connect to me without trying hard to understand me. Someone who i could actually really talk to, without making me feel like i'm looking for attention. Someone who doesn't say "I don't get you, nik".

It's so easy. Being with you.

2011-07-17T23:07:00.003+08:00

What is wrong with me? I shouldn't be feeling like this..
I shouldn't let a website decide what i'm gonna do.
I shouldn't be having these thoughts in my head.
I shouldn't be thinking about this too much.

I should get myself a donut, and sleep. And i must get my phone away from me. Or not. I mean it's harmless anyway, it's just me thinking too much. Goddamn, now i'm talking to myself on my blog. What even.

Sleep. That's what i should do.
After this donut.

2011-07-12T19:57:00.006+08:00

Some people just bring things to themselves. Even when they have choices.. Stop giving excuses, if you want something, go get it. If you want something so bad, you'll push yourself to doing things you've never done before to get it. It's either you do it or you don't.